Stop the World, I wanna get off..

I just got done reading Neale Donald Walsch's, "Home with God: In a Life that Never Ends"..and I must say that it was extraordinary. It made me want to die right there.

Of course, this kind of text practically begs for a lot of thinking and soul-searching..and since I am a master of the two, I felt right at home. Problem is, too much thinking makes an anxious girl confused. So many thoughts about who I am and where I long to be going 'round and 'round in my head...

Who am I, really???

I discovered that Christine is seeing someone, and suddenly I was filled with anxiety and my thoughts about moving to Saratoga kind of evaporated. I don't know why. Then I examined my feelings closely and had to ask myself who I was doing that for. Was it for me or Christine? And if it was for Christine, I can see why knowing she is seeing someone is making me feel threatened..as though her having someone in her life means she won't have time for me; will practically not even notice I'm "there"..so why bother, huh?

It made me realize two things..one..that I have a healthy imagination! (I mean..it's probably the furthest thing from her mind to ignore me whether she has someone in her life or not)..and two, why do I need to be unignored by her, anyway, as long as I was moving up there for myself. I have my own life to live. I shouldn't be living it for anybody else.

So I sat there thinking some more and really questioning why I would make such a move..was I considering it for the right reasons or the wrong ones?..and I asked myself the question:

IF YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY IN THE WORLD AND NO FEAR AND DOUBT TO HOLD YOU BACK, WHAT WOULD YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE???..and this was my answer..

1. I'd live in beautiful Colorado in either Broomfield (in the foothills, equi-distant between Boulder and Denver) or in Boulder, itself.
2. I'd own a beautiful log home
3. I'd have a horse ranch, as well as other animals (including, of course, my two lovely kitties)
4. I'd work from home as a successful graphic designer and multimedia production artist
5. I'd work as a musician on the weekends and any time I'm not working my "regular" job
6. I'd tour the Rocky Mountain Region in my RV to go to club dates
7. I'd be married to my perfect, loving soulmate and life partner

That's just for starters, but you get the idea.

No, I never gave up on my dream to live in Colorado, it's just that, as I indicated earlier, I'm not emotionally ready (or capable, if you will) of packing up and moving to a place I've never been (but in which my Soul feels a need to be) without knowing anyone and without anyone to go with.

I know. Run-on sentence. Sue me.

The point is..as it stands now, I can't do this. I wish I could. So Saratoga or somewhere in the Capital region seemed more doable. Once I start driving, I can even investigate other areas like Binghampton and Pittsfield, MA (home of the lovely Berkshire Mountains) to see if maybe they would be a better "fit"..but the bottom-line is that moving halfway across the country on my own is out of the question. I just don't have it in me to do that.

..but I have it in me to pray..so I prayed to God..and I asked him that if I am meant to live in Colorado and live the life of my dreams (and I know I am because God wants us to have anything we desire), then to please send me the circumstances, events and people in my life to facillitate this happening..becuase I presently don't see any other way. If I were to meet my perfect soulmate and we were to go out and start a new life in Colorado together, that'd be perfect. If he was from "here" and originally from Colorado, and he has all of his family and friends out there, even better. That would mean that my circle of people would expand beyond the two of us. It would mean feeling less alone.

I know that Neale Donald Walsch very often has retreats out in Colorado through Mile High Church in Denver..so that would be a great way to not only go to one of his retreats, but to see Colorado. If only I could get with a bunch of people from here who would be interested. Oh, yeah..then getting my ass on the plane..sigh..

But I am leaving that up to God. He knows of my needs.

Meanwhile, I need to focus on my car and driving..on perpetuating the idea that the Universe always abundantly supplies me with money, and that wherever I may choose to live between "now" and Colorado, everything is a stepping stone to get me where I long to be. I want SO VERY BADLY to be out of here..out of this miserable place..but I can't expect that I will just be able to find my soulmate and move to Colorado within a year. That seems impossible. (Although impossibilities, I'm aware, are an error in my thinking). Even so, I need to be realistic within the confines of what I'm working with NOW, and if I want to be out of here, then I must see upstate (or elsewhere on the East Coast) as the more accessible choice right now. It doesn't have to mean forever. It's just moving from point A to point B, until I can get to point Z.

I guess that's the way I need to look at it. Otherwise, I'd go crazy.